My Utmost For His Highest – The Distraction of Contempt
 

“Daydreaming” (the picture’s title)

As I did with “The Ocean Has A Shore”, I’ll give you what I choose as the highlights to me in the above article. If you choose to read the article yourself (it’s a link), you’ll be able to decide for yourself what you think the highlights are. Also, again, any italics, underlining, bold, etc., are mine:

“Our state of mind is powerful in its effects. It can be the enemy that penetrates right into our soul and distracts our mind from God. There are certain attitudes we should never dare to indulge. If we do, we will find they have distracted us from faith in God. Until we get back into a quiet mood before Him, our faith is of no value, and our confidence in the flesh and in human ingenuity is what rules our lives.
“Beware of ‘the cares of this world….’ (Mark 4:19)….Another thing that distracts us is our passion for vindication….Our Lord never explained anything–He left the misunderstandings or misconceptions of others to correct themselves.
“When we discern that other people are not growing spiritually and allow that discernment to turn to criticism, we block our fellowship with God. God never gives us discernment so that we may criticize, but that we may intercede.”

So good to remember! Especially the last line about God giving us discernment so that we may intercede, not criticize. Far too often, I find myself looking at others critically and in a  judgmental way. However, God’s been working in me and reminding me that I have no right to throw stones as I’ve sinned as well. It’s not my job to judge or to criticize, no matter how much I long to “help” by “commenting” on what another person’s doing. The log in my own eye is far too large to keep me from helping the person with the speck in her eye.

I like to be understood. I think this is totally true for everyone, whether people admit it or not. We want our needs and wants to be shared and to be made clear, but we aren’t always sure how to go about this. People misunderstand things a lot, whether it’s because they choose to misunderstand or because we aren’t clear. I tend to over-explain when I feel that I need to get a point across, and, oft’ times, in doing so, I just make things worse. When will I learn to just leave things alone? Sometimes I really do need to get a point across and to explain things, but more often, I can just leave things alone and let them work themselves out. If someone doesn’t want to hear, then I need to just let it go and to be silent. I need to follow Jesus’ example and stop explaining. The Holy Spirit’ll make things clear if they need to be, especially if someone’s open to His speaking.

“The cares of this world” ~ how many times do I let them drag me down? As I wrote earlier today, my focus needs to be on God. “His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.” So true! So why do I worry about my needs? I’ve seen His care for me so many times ~ so why do I doubt? Why do I take my needs and wants and life so seriously? God’s in control; therefore, I have absolutely no need to be worried. Yes, I need to work and to do what I can to provide for my needs, but God’s provided me with the ability to do so, with a job to earn money, and gifts and talents to do things I enjoy. So why think too much about stuff that I have no control over?

See, I think that’s the whole thing here ~ dwelling on what’s out of my control. If I focus on God and let Him work, then my eyes are where they need to be. My heart and mind and soul are in focus, and I relax a lot more. When I get worried and panic, or at least keep my mind on my troubles, then I’m in a bad place. I tend to look at what’s wrong and think that’s where I need to keep my mind. However, when I look at God and place my trust firmly in Him and keep my eyes on HIM, then I relax and I get out the state of depression I find myself in far too often.

I know that many people truly suffer from chemical depression or manic depression, and that they can’t pull themselves out of it as I can my own depressions, and I’m not talking about that sort of thing. People with those types of mental illnesses need professional help and should seek it out. However, it never hurts to have faith in God and to pray and to seek God’s help, and I strongly and truly believe that part of the way that God helps people with any illness is through medical professionals. They have the training and expertise that God’s provided to help others. I’m so thankful for medical knowledge that people have, and I’m so thankful to see how it’s helped many people I know and care about.

What I’m talking about here is when I sink back down into the ocean depths and think too much and dwell on my troubles and allow stuff to get the better of me. Much of 2007’s a great example of this. I was so down and upset over my financial situation and how little I was making. I had very little energy left to do anything about it because all my energy and stamina and all I had in me was focused on self pity. Did I have a right to feel sorry for myself? No. I wasn’t doing anything about my situation; nor was I using what God’s given me to help myself. I wasn’t looking to God, and I certainly wasn’t spending any quality time with Him. I’m ashamed now when I look back at how I got so drawn into myself, down into my ocean’s depths, instead of staying on the shore. My life was in a serious state, and something did need to be done about it. I needed to think of ideas on getting out of the situation I was in, and so, yes, I did need to think about what needed to be done.

What I did NOT need to do was get so far down that I could not see the shore, or at least the water’s surface. I needed to stay on the shore, or at least close to it.

I choose to stay on the shore, at the water’s edge. That’s where things are clear and the pressure’s not there. The sunshine and the breeze brush over my skin and through my hair, and I can revel with others around me. I have pleasure and joy, and I enjoy life on the shore. I can paddle in the shallow water and teasingly splash at those around me. It’s fun on the shore, and the shore is a good place to be.

 My Utmost For His Highest – Shallow and Profound

Here are the parts from the above link that I chose as highlights, that parts that spoke to me the most. Please feel free to check out the link to read the article in its entirety (italics and all caps are mine):

“Beware of allowing yourself to think that the shallow aspects of life are not ordained by God; they are ordained by Him equally as much as the profound. We sometimes refuse to be shallow, not out of deep devotion to God, but because we wish to impress other people with the fact that we are not shallow. This is a sure sign of spiritual pride….God became a baby….To be shallow is not a sign of being sinful, nor is shallowness an indication that there is no depth to your life at all – THE OCEAN HAS A SHORE. Even the shallow things of life, such as eating and drinking, walking and talking, are ordained by God. These are all things our Lord did. He did them as the Son of God, and He said, ‘A disciple is not above his teacher….’ (Matthew 10:24)….Never show the depth of your life to anyone but God….Make a determination to take no one seriously except God. You may find that the first person you must be the most critical with, as being the greatest fraud you have ever known, is yourself.”

Wow! I’m still struck by how this speaks to me! So much goes on in my life, largely due to my tendency to dwell on things and to get way too deep inside. I like those times when I can just sit and think in stillness, and I like to be able to get thoughts sorted out in my head. That’s all fine and dandy, but I tend to do that too much. Vern, one of my Briercrest friends, told me I think too much, and it’s true! There’s nothing wrong with thinking things through and with having those deep moments, but I’ve come to the conclusion that that’s what the deep times should be – moments; not a way of life.

Yes, there are many things in life that shouldn’t be laughed off or taken lightly, but God did create us with the ability to enjoy life, and I want to do more of that. I have been since I first read the above article, and THE OCEAN HAS A SHORE has been sticking in my head. Whenever the temptation to dwell too much on anything or anyone other than God comes to me, that phrase, or something like it, comes to mind, and I find it easier to stop dwelling than I used to. I still dwell on things, and this will take a while to get out of the habit. After all, no change that is due to last a long time can be changed overnight. Well, not without a miracle from God. I’m not looking for a quick fix here or the lazy way out. Well, the lazy way out might be great if I knew that it’d really work and all, but I’m willing to work at what’s lasting and at what’s good and true and helpful.

So how’s this been helping me since I started thinking about the ocean’s shore? I was trying to think of examples, but it’s not been easy to think of things. Maybe I’m trying too hard to come up with examples. haha   Actually, while I was concerned and nervous about my recent time in the hospital this past Thursday, I did find that I wasn’t thinking too much about it in a worried or overly nervous way. I’m thankful for that! Of course I was concerned, especially about the unknown (like whether I’d feel anything during the operation or whether I’d be aware of anything while it was going on, and would there be any pain, or what if something happened), but I wasn’t dwelling on the concerns. I prayed about them, and I knew many others were praying, and that’s a good thing. That’s always a great comfort to me. It’s a way people are showing they care, and I’ve got a great circle of family and friends to do so. It helps me to stop dwelling on things because I know that others are lifting the whole thing up to God.

This does NOT mean that I’m excused from thinking things through or from working things through when necessary; nor does it mean that I have no need to pray myself or to do what I can when it comes to responsibilities and things I need to look after. For example, health issues. If something’s wrong, there are doctors who’ve gained knowledge through schooling and keeping up with things who are there to help me. I go to them, and they help me out. I have a responsibility to take care of my body through good food and water and exercise and plenty of rest. I admit to being negligent here, but it’s my own fault.

Just as there’s a need on my part to look after my body, I do have to look after my soul and spirit and emotions and mind, as well as all other parts of me, whatever they may be. There are so many facets, eh? I can’t just slough things off because I’m focusing on God, but they are not to be my focus. I’m tired of being so deep into myself that that’s all I’m focused on, that all other things take second place. Actually, God must be first, and all other things fall into place as this happens.

THE OCEAN HAS A SHORE. One thing I’ve realised about myself is that I’m a deep, deep ocean with a shallow, shallow shore. There are vast depths to me that will most likely never be completely explored, which is fine and which I’m fine with. After all, I don’t need to explore every part of me to live fully, and I don’t need to know everything that’s there. If I need to know something, God’ll make me aware of it. My shore is shallow. What I actually show to the world is nothing compared to what’s deep inside. There are many things about me that people will never know, even those closest to me. God knows, and that really is enough for me. So don’t try to figure me out. haha  I like to have fun! I like to take enjoyment as it comes, and I haven’t been doing enough of that. I love life and I want to live it to its fullest. I don’t want to take myself or others too seriously. That doesn’t really solve anything, and it only makes me think about things too much.

Yes, think about things. Work through issues. Don’t neglect the things that need my attention. Make sure to maintain the relationships that are most important to me. Be responsible and hard working and diligent, and take care of what needs to be taken care of.

Yet don’t make those the end-all-be-all of life. Life’s too short to take everything so seriously. Since I’ve been starting to remember that THE OCEAN HAS A SHORE, I really have begun to enjoy life a bit more and have felt lighter and freer. This is a process and is something I have to learn and keep on working at, especially after 38-going-on-39 years of thinking and worrying and being overly concerned. Whenever I’ve looked back, I’ve seen that a lot of things I thought were ever so serious and urgent weren’t nearly as huge as I though.

“You may find that the first person you must be the most critical with, as being the greatest fraud you have ever known, is yourself.”

Yes, I’m a fraud! I am, really! I’ve been coming across as deep, which I’ve already admitted that I am, but I’m really a shallow person, too. I haven’t been letting my shallowness come through because I’ve always thought it to be a bad thing. Who that I know wants to be considered shallow? No one I really know. Yet what’s wrong with being shallow? I don’t mean vapid or as an air head or anything like that, but in the sense that things aren’t taken as seriously as I’ve previously thought they needed to be. I don’t want a nervous stomach the rest of my life, and I don’t want to risk developing ulcers or anything else that’s caused by stress and worrying. What’s the point? Why live with pain when I don’t have to?

Yes, I’m deep, but when it comes right down to it, I don’t think I’m really as deep as I’ve made myself out to be. I am a serious person until people get to know me. Then I’m still serious, but not nearly as how much I come across to be. I have a huge guard I have to let down, huge walls I’ve built up because of past hurts, and part of that is the depths I’ve let people see.

I’m thankful to look back since 23 November, when I read the above article, that I have lightened up somewhat. Of course it hasn’t even been a month yet, but it’s coming, and I’m not expecting a quick turn around here. This past week I have been back in my old habit of dwelling too much on stuff, and, yeah, I could justify it by saying that it was something validly worth being nervous about. But is it? I was in good hands, and people were praying. God’s in charge, and it’s great to know I can leave it all with Him. Once I realised that on Wednesday, things settled down and I settled down as well. Oh, I was still concerned and wondering about what would happen, and I am wondering about the results, which I’ll find out 2 January, but that’s normal. God doesn’t expect us to stop thinking or to stop being concerned. What He does want, though, is for us to leave things at His feet, in His hands, and to stop worrying. He’s in control, and, really, is there anything better?

*I will continue with the “Ocean” series soon (I know! I know! I’ve said that already!) but I just had to share this today after the amazing time I had this morning!

In Christian circles, few things floor & amaze people as much as physical healing, especially if it’s verified as real & true. Sorry for being redundant here, but I just want to stress this.

This morning I went to a friend’s church in Chilliwack, which meets in a large house. The congregation was renting a space, but they lost it for some reason or other. I can’t remember why, but I think something happened to damage the building, & so they’ve been meeting – very crowdedly so – in someone’s house. Thankfully it’s a large house with plenty of space for the small congregation, but, even so, things were a bit cramped.

However, that doesn’t matter when people are meeting together for a service. I don’t normally like sitting too close to others, but this morning was an exception. I was wedged between my friend and a wall. It was a bit uncomfortable, but I soon forgot about that as we all joined together in singing & Bible reading & the rest of the service.

After the pastor shared from the Word – there’s usually no sermon here, although the pastor apparently always shares some message when he speaks, as he did today. He spoke on Jesus & the man who was healed after his friends lowered him down through the ceiling.

Then the pastor turned things over to a woman, who looked toward a man after thanking the pastor for the opportunity to speak. She introduced the man & said that she had been asked by him to share since he was too overwhelmed by emotion & the events of the past week to speak too much without beginning to weep. I could see the tears well up & wondered what this was all about. I was aware of someone having been healed this past week, but I had no idea of the extent of it.

Not to centre on myself, but I briefly thought back to my own healing. In the summer of 1986, I’d been working up at Columbia Bible Camp (I’m sorry that I can’t remember the name it has now) on work crew, & I slipped & fell on the wet floor in the kitchen, hurting my tailbone. It hurt for a few years almost every time I sat for any length of time, & the chiropractor couldn’t do anything about it. So I just thought I’d have to live with the pain. I started going to Sevenoaks Alliance Church in 1987, & there would be pastors & elders up front to pray for healing if anyone wanted it. I went up one Sunday & was anointed with oil as I was prayed over. I didn’t feel anything, but I did notice a difference right away. I’ve been able to sit without pain in my coccyx ever since, & I’m still very thankful for that! It’s not as major or huge as what others have been healed from, but it is real, & it has made a difference & taken away major pain I’d had from the fall.

My thoughts soon returned to the woman sharing about her husband, who’s only about 3 or 4 years older than me. He had been diagnosed with cancer a few years ago, & he had been deemed terminally ill. The last time the doctor saw him, he said that the man didn’t have more than a few months left to live.

The man – who I’ll call “Len,” because I can’t remember his name. I’ll call his wife “Mattie,” because I can’t remember her name, either – did not like that diagnosis, but he’d accepted it. However, he’d become convinced through his Bible reading & times of prayer, that God wasn’t ready for Him to go Home yet. So Len prayed about this & sought God’s will. He wasn’t really sure why he was so convinced that his time wasn’t as short as what the doctor’d said, but he had a real peace and assurance that healing was yet to come.

Mattie wasn’t really sure what to make of it. On the one hand, she hoped that Len was right and that he would be here a long, long time yet, for her & for their children & for others who loved him, but on the other hand, she’d never seen or experienced healing of this kind, and she was cynical. She admitted this with shame, & she said that she had repented of her lack of faith.

Meanwhile, Len had been meeting with the pastor & the two elders of the church – or, rather, they’d been going to his place – & praying together. They went over every Scripture related to healing & prayed ever since the doctor gave Len his “deadline,” as Mattie called it, for his healing.

For the past week, before this past week, Len had been feeling better & felt as if he had the most energy he’d had for quite a while, but he didn’t try to get out of bed. Mattie said that she had noticed something, but merely wondered if it was like the calm before the storm. A fake sense of something good before the final push of bad. She said that she was sad & heartbroken to think of her lack of faith, but knows that it was a natural reaction. Still, she’s ashamed of it & asked God & Len in front of everyone for forgiveness.

She continued the story to say that her thoughts on healing have been changed forever! On Monday, Len said that he wanted to get up & walk around a little bit. He’d been too weak & feeble to do that for quite a while, & she strongly urged him to stay in bed. She didn’t want him to fall or to get hurt or any false sense of security, but he was determined. So she helped him up.

While he did lean heavily on her & used the walker, she could sense that he wasn’t leaning as heavily as he had before. Also, he wasn’t quite as dependent on the walker as he had been, & was standing a little straighter.

I don’t know much about what people with cancer go through, especially as close to “the end” as Len’d been, & so I don’t know what’s normal compared to what he’d gone through before last week.

He told Mattie that he didn’t feel sick & that he was really hungry. He wanted a huge dinner, but that he’d better take it easy because he hadn’t had a decent meal in a while. He felt stronger, but was tired after walking around the room a few times. It was more than he’d done for a while, & she wasn’t surprised at his tiredness.

Over the two days that followed, he rapidly improved. He was up & walking with just a cane by Wednesday, & his eating was almost back to normal. He’d never been a super heavy eater, but he did like certain foods & had always eaten heartily what’d been placed before him. Now he was eating almost as much as he used to, & Mattie finally admitted that he could possibly be healed.

They went to the doctor’s office Thursday morning, & the doc’d been amazed! He couldn’t speak when he saw Len walk in with a cane & without any help from Mattie. He asked Len all sorts of questions about he was doing & about his symptoms. Then the doc arranged for him to have some tests done. Amazingly, he was able to get him in right away in Surrey. Even though the trip always made Len tired – he & Mattie live in Abbotsford – they decided to go right away. Appointments are usually made waaaay in advance, but I guess God wanted them to get in immediately.

Of course the final results aren’t in, but no one – the doc, the specialists, or anyone else – could see any sign of cancer in Len. He’s convinced he’s healed, & Mattie’s convinced he’s healed. Everyone who could agreed that he looked much better than he had in months, & he had more colour on his face. I’d never seen him before, but I thought he’d been merely a very thin man who was pale & who looked tired until I’d heard the story.

In the car on the way back to Agassiz afterwards, my friend confirmed everything Mattie had said & told me that she had never seen Len look so good. He already had cancer when she met him, & he had looked much worse when she paid him & Mattie a visit a few weeks ago. She hadn’t had a chance to speak to him before the service, or to tell me anything about him before the service.

Today I’m praising God for healing Len & for God’s work in everyone. He does work in each of us, regardless of whether we acknowledge it or not, whether we see it or not. I look forward to finding out the official results of Len’s tests. I’m sure he’ll have to go back in about 6 months or so to make sure the cancer hasn’t returned, but I’m trusting God to keep Len cancer free. I’ve always loved stories like this, & I always praise Him for them! It reminds me of His power & grace. If He had no grace, He’d just leave Len in his misery. If He had no grace, we’d all be dead after our first sin. However, He gives each of us many chances to trust in Him & to turn to Him. He’s always there, whether we see it or not.

Anyway, I’ll post the results of Len’s tests when I find them out. My friend’ll tell me when she knows, whenever that’ll be.

Kevin & Jen, two friends of mine here in Agassiz, recently lent me their copy of The Blue Planet & Planet Earth. They have these two series in one boxed set, & I recently finished watching The Blue Planet. Amazing! I know that word is overused many times, but I truly was amazed by what I saw!

Many of the species seen beneath the surface of the ocean have only recently been discovered, and there’s likely more that’s yet to be found as more is searched and explored. This TV series went further down than any other film crew had ever gone, I believe, and there was so much to learn. I can’t remember every single fact that was shared, although many images are swimming before me now as I remember it. If you think I’m “punning” there, so be it. I don’t care. I just think that there are so many things down there no one’s aware of & that God’s kept hidden for whatever reason.

Because of over fishing of populations that live higher in the seas, people are now fishing creatures that’ve never before been eaten by humanity. Too many creatures are close to extinction and too many are in serious danger of never being able to regenerate themselves to abundancy. (gotta love coining words!)

I watched this series with extra fascination because the seas hold an extra fascination for me. So much water! I love water! It’s my favourite element, although I’m thankful to be living on land since I wasn’t created to live elsewhere. Fire’s too hot for me, although it, too, holds a certain fascination for me as well. Wind ~ wind! Oh, that powerful & mighty force that literally blew me to work one day last week! I like all the elements and know that all are needed here on Earth. They were each created with their purposes, and they are each necessary to the balance of the planet & to the environment & to ecology & to life in general.

One thing that was constantly in mind as I watched the life in the seas on my TV screen was the sheer numbers of the variety of life! Not just of fish or whales or the birds that feed close to shore, but the coral ~ I learnt it’s actually an animal! ~ & the plants & other creatures that live in it. Each one has its place, & each one fits in somewhere. I wondered why God created so many different varieties in the sea, but He’s done so here on land as well. Then I realised that I will probably never know the answer to that in this life, & that’s fine. I’ll still wonder about it, & I might find the answers to this & other questions I found myself asking at some point, but I’m not going to dwell on it.

Even though filming was able to be done at incredibly deep levels, the bottom was still not reached. There are deep crevasses way, way down that might never be explored because of how deep they are. Man made craft can only reach down so far, & who knows if we’ve reached the limit of how far we can descend? It’d be really cool, I think, to be able to reach the very bottom & to see if more life is down there, but maybe we’re not meant to discover that. Only God knows for sure what’s been created & what, if any, life is all down there.

My mind has its own means and ways of processing things, &, as often happens with me, I’ve thought more of the series again the past few days.

On Sunday, I read two entries from My Utmost For His Highest by Oswald Chambers. It’s a Christian devotional book, &, while I don’t read it in nearly as often as I’ve committed myself to, I do glean at least one valuable nugget every time I read it. One of these years ~ 2009, perhaps? ~ I will read it all the way through without missing a single day! The two entries I read were from Saturday & Sunday, entitled “Shallow & Profound” & “The Distraction Of Contempt.” I’ll go over them more in other entries.

They, especially “Shallow & Profound,” reminded me of the ocean and how so much of it is unexplored & only now is being discovered. There is certainly an obvious relationship between the soul & the ocean. One connection is how deep & unfathomable both are. Another connection is how so much of each has remained unexplored. Both are complicated, vast regions with so much content. Some of it is scary, like fish with teeth so large they keep the mouth from closing, and some of it is absolutely beautiful, like the sea dragon, a close relative of the sea horse. I am fascinated by even the physical ugly things of the sea & by those that really freak me out. (like the jelly fish) I want to know things & I want to explore & I want to see for myself, & I want to reach out & actually touch things. Some would kill me, or at least seriously harm me, if I were to touch them, but there’s the old childish desire to explore everything by touch still inside me. Inside each of us, I believe. At least those of us who are still in touch with our childhoods to some degree.

So it is with my inner self. I have not gone down as deep as I possibly could, & I am thankful for that. Last year was one of the lowest points in my life ~ in some ways, THE lowest ~ & that was low enough for me. I had allowed myself to get down there, but there was no exploration. I did nothing to pick myself off & brush off my clothes & carry on, but I had nothing to show for the mess I’d made.

Except that I’d learnt it was a choice. I had gone down into a depression & I could have easily stopped it. I had been focusing on my circumstances & where I was in life instead of focusing on God. I had been so totally self absorbed & seeing only the problems I had instead of seeing what I could do to help others or trying to figure out how I could improve things. I was screaming at the pain I was in ~ emotional as well as physical (I was suffering with super intense tooth pain a lot in 2007) ~ & begging for a way out. I was wallowing & made no effort to get out of the mud & washing up before changing into clean clothes.

Was I truly content to wallow? Was I really happy letting myself be angry & financially poor?

NO!!!! I wasn’t.

So why didn’t I do anything about it?

I was lazy. I also truly didn’t have the energy to do anything about it. I had lost my hope, & I had lost sight of what I already had, of my blessings.

I had taken my focus off God, & was wallowing in self centred pity that blinded me to the world around me.

So what happened? What caused me to get out of it? To bring myself out of the depression? Looking back, I really don’t have an answer for that. All I know is that I found the energy somewhere to fight it & to get out of it. Even though I wasn’t in communication with Him, God was still working in me, through things I read & saw & through people, & I made a conscious effort to get better. I started looking on the bright side, or at least seeing something to be thankful for, & I decided to make thanksgiving a regular part of my life again. I began to sing & to make music again, & I began to write again. The creative juices were flowing once more, & I was excited about that! I still am.

Now I am NOT saying that everyone with depression has allowed herself to get into it. For many people with it, it’s not the same. It’s a chemical imbalance and is a real mental illness. For anyone to say that all depression is something that is a matter of the will is a huge mistake. It’s not a simplistic thing. For me, yes, it was a matter of my will, & I was able to get out of it with the grace of God & by strength. I am thankful for this! For many others, though medical help is needed, along with the support of people in their lives. I’ve known enough people with depression & manic-depression to know that it’s a very serious disease that needs help from others & cannot be overcome by sheer will, no matter how strong those fighting it may be. I just wanted to clarify that. Of course here I’m just sharing my own story.

I have been to the ocean’s shore many times. Not always right out on the open ocean, like when I was up at Tuktoyaktuk (aka “Tuk”), nor like at Tofino (a place I really want to go), but I’ve been to White Rock & to Crescent Beach many times. Up at Tuk, I felt so small & was reminded of my insignificance. I am important as each person is, but the insignificance I refer to is about how small we are as people compared to the world at large, how vast our surroundings and life as a whole is. We are a part of it, & I was struck by that up at Tuk. The ocean spread north before me beyond where my eye could see, & I knew that I was on the edge of something great. Something deep and powerful, & something with much more than I could ever hope to see or to experience in my life.Very dark & cold yet full of life.

At White Rock, I’ve looked as far out as I could & seen the Gulf Islands and Point Roberts & known that there’s life on lands beyond the water at the edge of which I stood. The world goes around, & if I had started on a journey & headed out straight west from where I stood at the end of the pier, I’d return to White Rock & to the edge of the pier some day if I kept going in a straight line.

Crescent Beach has always been my favourite ocean spot. Even though I see land in the distance & across the river’s mouth, I still feel as if I’m right at the ocean there. To me, there’s a sense of the truly wild, especially at Blackie’s Spit, & I feel right at home there. I was there one morning this past August, & it was the best morning I’d had in ages. I just wandered around in the sandy areas, shooting image after image, & baking in the sun. I saw birds and other people, & I smelled the brine. I felt revitalised, & I did not want to go home. When I left, I went to White Rock to visit Uncle Bruce & Aunt Elayne & Uncle Blackie & to have lunch with them. That only added to how great the day was.

At Crescent Beach, the beach was wide open as the tide was way out. I walked for a long time & still did not reach the ocean’s edge. I could not get to that water, but I did not have time to carry on because I had to leave so that I would not be late for lunch. I was walking in ankle deep water, missing tiny sea snails and crabs as well as other tiny creatures in the shallows.

As I thought about the BBC TV series about the sea & my soul yesterday, I pictured the beach at Crescent Beach and all the life on it at low tide. It surprised me that I should think of that, & wondered why it came to mind. Then I realised I was thinking about the piece I’d read on Saturday & was reminded that “the ocean has a shore.”

*The series I started yesterday, really, will be continued over the next two entries. The next entry will be entitled “The Ocean Has A Shore.”

….here I am, still up. Mind you, some things are more important than sleep. I guess. Like Corner Gas. Uploading pix to FaceBook. Admiring the flowers my aunt gave me on Saturday. Looking around my home and thinking how very, very blessed I am.

At my Open House on Saturday, many people came. There were at least twenty-five to thirty people, & I was totally blessed by each and every one of them. God really has blessed me through the people in my life.

People came, & many were very happy for me for where I’m living now. The place is clean and finished, and there’s plenty of space & light, as well as lots of room for storage so that I don’t have to keep everything in boxes in my living room or bedroom. Having people over really pushed me to get it done & organised, & I’m going to keep it that way. I like it roomy and with everything in its place. It’s good to have a tidy home again!

When I was a child, I was a neat freak. Everything went away as soon as I was done with it, & I didn’t keep things messy. Then I went to work at Columbia Bible Camp one summer (I can’t remember what it’s called now), & things were messy after that. Then in college, I was a neat freak again. The only time I didn’t get a perfect, or near perfect mark, on my room checks was during my first year, when some of my hall mates trashed my room. Not literally – just messed things up. Drawers emptied & things strewn everywhere. My bed got unmade, & the place was a disaster area! The RA who checked my room that day knew that this was a rarity & knew what had happened. Still, I did have to have it re-checked, & I laughed about it. I knew the girls were just having fun, & nothing was harmed. They’d done worse to others, and this was a minor thing.

Since Bible college, mess, mess, MESS!

Oh, I’ve kept things clean, but how could anyone tell when nothing could really be seen properly? My parents’d visit me & always make comments about the mess, but I’ve often been at my wits end to know where things should go or where to store stuff. Just no space! Now, however, I can shove things in the laundry room, & use my pantry & linen cupboard, as well as have some boxes in my bedroom closet, & they’re out of the way & out of mind. I have easy access to these things when I need them, but they’re not cluttering up my space. That, my friends, is a very, very, VERY good thing! Something I should NOT take for granted.

Yeah, yeah. I’ll get to bed. Soon, probably. I just feel like babbling & writing right now, & have felt like it since sometime yesterday. What was I doing yesterday that I didn’t? I don’t remember. All I know right now is that my mind’s wandering off in different directions.

I’m thinking of my dear friend Leah, who’s really struggling right now. My prayers are with her, & I wish I could give her a huge hug & take all her pain away, but that doesn’t work. It almost always helps to know that others are there, but she’s lost deep in her pain right now, & my heart aches for her. God, comfort her & strengthen her & help her now, I pray! Even though she’s not trusting in You. Please use this to lead her to YOU!

I’m thinking of work & wondering where it’s going. My boss has such negativity so often that it gets discouraging if I let it. However, I’m determined now, after reading yesterday’s My Utmost For His Highest, updated version, entry. Actually, it was the day before’s that’s still running around in my head, but yesterday’s followed very well with Saturday’s. I’ll write more on this another time, but “the ocean has a shore” has stuck with me, & it’s become my new watchphrase, (coined by me, I guess) a reminder of a new determination and commitment. OK, to continue what I had begun ~ I’m determined now to NOT take life or people too seriously. Only God. I think far too much, and I take too much to heart or take many things with too much sensitivity, and, while I am a deep, deep person by nature, I need to have more shallow moments, moments of just fun and pure bliss and enjoyment. No, I’m not going to become all frivolous or giddy or silly or ridiculous all the time and forsake all that needs to be taken seriously, etc.. I’m just not going to make anything except God my focus. I’m going to focus on God and make the most out of life – make the most out of every moment to worship Him, to serve Him, to love Him. To just be HIS!

God created us to take enjoyment from life, and I’m determined to do that.

“The ocean has a shore.”

No matter how deep a person is, she needs to come up for air and sink her feet in the cool sand on the beach. Enjoy the sun. Watch the birds. Breathe in the wonderful salt air and forget about the deeps, where the pressure is strong and where things can bear down on her far too much. Yes, we need to be deep at times and to face the pressure and those things which way us down, but the beach is there for release and for relaxation. Enjoy it and relish your time out of the deep. “The ocean has a shore.”

*Please note:  I’ll write more about “The ocean has a shore” another time, including quotes so that you can see the place from where this came.

I’m thinking about work, yes, & wondering where it’s going. How much longer will I be there, God, I’ve prayed many times. I hope I’m not there another year. I’ve reached my first anniversary right about now, and I don’t want to stay much longer. All with whom I started are gone ~ with the exception of my boss ~ and things have changed in many ways. I do have great co-workers, and I am very thankful to be working with Allyssa. However, none of us working there plan on making this our life’s work. I sense God is leading me elsewhere, but I’ve sensed that since I started. I never expected to be here now, a year later. Just goes to show that I shouldn’t take these sort of hunches too seriously! Besides, I shouldn’t be ruling my life by my emotions. Quite often they’ve proven correct & I have been able to rely on them many times ~ God’s used them a lot in my life, I guess because I do tend to go by them ~ but they’re not to be my guide, & they’re not to rule me.

Man, I really should get to bed! I think I will now. I feel as if I have so much more to say, but, really, it can wait, can’t it? Yes, it can, & I will wait. I just feel as if I’ve left things unfinished, but sometimes that happens. Anyway, g’night for now, & blessings to any who read this!

I moved back to B. C.’s Fraser Valley in September 2006, and I’ve been restless ever since. Don’t get me wrong! I’m very, very happy to be home, & I’m very thankful for being back in close proximity to many of my friends. To me, this is truly the best place to live, and the most beautiful. B. C. really is super natural!

If I want to go shopping, I don’t have to settle or use a catalogue or travel a long distance to do so. If I want to see most of those most dear to me, I just have to make arrangements, & things’ll be on their way. Within an hour-&-a-half, I can be at the home or many of those closest to me, or vice versa. I am happy to be home, and I realised when I was up north that this is home. Nowhere else has a hold on me like the Fraser Valley does. I would move away – for a relatively short time – if opportunity came my way. Nowhere else, though, would be the same, and nowhere else would be where my heart is.

Since moving back here to B. C., I’ve been restless. Not to move away, but to do what my heart wants, and to follow my dreams. I haven’t had an enjoyable job since I’ve moved back, although I’ve met some great people through the jobs I have had, & at least I’ve been working. Now I have a full time job, which I’ve been at for a year, pretty well exactly, (I can’t remember the exact date I started, but it was November of last year, around Remembrance Day, I think) and I’ve met some very cool people there. Allyssa, with whom I work Monday to Friday, is a real gem. She’s one of the sweetest, most gentle people I’ve ever met, & I’m thankful to know her. God’s certainly blessed me with the people I’ve met in my life, & He’s blessed me with some of the best in my life.

When I started the job, I didn’t dream that I’d be there anywhere close to a year. I thought for sure I’d be doing something else by now, & I was so certain that God was going to have something else for me shortly after. However, that’s not happened. I’m still working there, but at least I’m full time. THAT’S a blessing.

However, it’s certainly not my dream job, & I feel wasted there. I don’t feel as if I’m living up to what God created me to do. I don’t feel as if I’m contributing anything worthwhile to society, & I don’t feel as if I’m really serving God as He has gifted me to do. *SIGH!* It’s so frustrating! I don’t wake up rarin’ ta go, & I don’t really want to go to work.

I do admit that the people – co-workers & most customers – do make the job worth it at all, along with it being full time, & people are a blessing from the Lord. They make things better when I’m feeling down & when I’m feeling as if nothing’s right or anything. To be greeted by those who really like me is always a blessing, and I am thankful for my blessings.

So if I’m thankful – really & truly thankful – is it OK for me to be restless as I am? That’s something I’ve struggled with for a long, long time, & I honestly don’t know the answer to that. Some people say it’s not, while others say it is. I’ve asked different people about this, but I’ve come to no definite answer. If you have an idea on this subject, please feel more than free to comment on that. Is my restlessness from God as a way to prepare me for something else? Is it from Him as a way to get me off my duff & get working on looking for something else, something that would help me obtain my dreams? Or at least do something I feel is a calling for me?

Or is this restlessness a form of unthankfulness? Is it something that’s from the devil, something that he’s using to take my focus off God? I have no idea!

All I know for sure in this instance is that I’m restless, & that I don’t know what to do about it.

Since last May, I’ve been a freelance photographer for the Agassiz-Harrison Observer, that’s been a really cool way to earn a little extra money. The way things are right now, I’m not able to quit my job at the coffee shop to pursue photography full time, but it’s a start, and it’s a beginning, & that’s a good thing. It’s a way to at least partially fulfill a lifelong dream – photojournalism – & that’s always a great thing. It’s made that dream feel like it has a greater chance of coming true, and hope is always a great thing. Then, in this last Wednesday’s edition, I got a story (Stuffed Animals For Charity) published! I couldn’t help it! I was at work when it was confirmed by my opening the paper & seeing my words staring back at me from page nine, & I squealed with excitement & jumped up & down a little.

Having people praise what I do always feels good. It makes me feel as if I have talent & as if I can actually do something other than what I’m doing day after day. It’s good to have hope.

Maybe my restlessness IS from God. Maybe it’s a way for Him to urge me on, to keep me pressing on toward whatever it is He has for me to do. He does work in mysterious ways, and who’s to say that my restlessness isn’t that? I have been shown that I’m at the coffee shop for a reason, whatever that reason is – including meeting the people I have – but I also sense that my time there is winding down to a close. Mind you, I’ve felt that before. So who knows? Maybe it’s wishful thinking on my part that’s causing me to feel as if I’m also finished there, but maybe it is God telling me to be ready to move on. I just don’t know, & won’t know until whatever it is that’ll take this restlessness away happens.

As I’m waiting for God’s timing & for the next part of His will for me to be revealed, I wait in restlessness. I’m going to take it as a sign that I need to keep focused on God – as I should always be – & to keep on doing whatever it is I’m doing until it’s time to move on. That means staying at the coffee shop as well as working on my photography & my writing. It means waiting for His timing & keeping patient – in a restless sort of way (there is such a thing, even though it sounds like an oxymoron) – as I wait to see what happens next.

….an article by me! Well, OK. Local, if you live within the reading area of the Agassiz-Harrison Observer.

Yes, I am now an officially published newspaper writer! With one article, anyway. No, I’m not blowing this out of proportion. I have been published in a paper, &, therefore, I am an officially published newspaper writer. Whoohoo!

Yeah, yeah! I don’t get very excited. Not at all!

Anyway! The article can be read here at this link – Stuffed Animals For A Good Cause. It really is a good cause, & I hope that you will think so, too. That’s one of the reasons I was able to write this as I did. It was truly inspired – really! – and I’m glad I was able to help get the word out there. 100% of the proceeds go to Sight 2 because all the bears & supplies were donated, & that’s a great, great thing.

Today I received a few forwards in my e-mail, as I’m sure all of you do occasionally, if not daily. Most of the time I never read them & delete them right away, especially if the title gives a hint of me being cursed or not getting my wish if I don’t forward it right away, or that I’ll be really sorry if I don’t send it out. Man alivin’! It’s chain letters on a worldwide scale, to be honest!

ANYWAY!!!! Man, I do blather on a lot at times, don’t I? haha

As I was saying….Today I received a few forwards in my mail, and I actually read them all today. The woman who had sent one in particular to me only sends good stuff, and I know she doesn’t care about all the “curses” or what have you at the end, & so I read this one. It was a really great story, & I want to share it here. As much as I could, I took out all the stuff about not getting my wish & whether I have a lot of friends or not if I get replies, & I’m sharing it here. Blessings all, & remember to smile at others & be a blessing to all around you. I’m saying this to myself as much as to anyone else!

Breakfast at McDonald’s

This is a good story and is true, please read it all the way through until the end! (After the story, there are some very interesting facts!):
 
I am a mother of three (ages 14, 12, 3) and have recently completed my college degree. The last class I had to take was Sociology.
 
The teacher was absolutely inspiring with the qualities that I wish every human being had been graced with.
 
Her last project of the term was called, ‘Smile.’
 
The class was asked to go out and smile at three people and document their reactions.
 
I am a very friendly person and always smile at everyone and say hello anyway. So, I thought this would be a piece of cake, literally.
 
Soon after we were assigned the project, my husband, youngest son, and I went out to McDonald’s one crisp March morning.
 
It was just our way of sharing special play time with our son.
 
We were standing in line, waiting to be served, when all of a sudden everyone around us began to back away, and then even my husband did.
 
I did not move an inch… an overwhelming feeling of panic welled up inside of me as I turned to see why they had moved.
 
As I turned around I smelled a horrible ‘dirty body’ smell, and there standing behind me were two poor homeless men.
 
As I looked down at the short gentleman, close to me, he was ’smiling’.

His beautiful sky blue eyes were full of God’s Light as he searched for acceptance.
 
He said, ‘Good day’ as he counted the few coins he had been clutching.
 
The second man fumbled with his hands as he stood behind his friend. I realized the second man was mentally challenged and the blue-eyed gentleman was his salvation.

As I held my tears as I stood there with them.
 
The young lady at the counter asked him what they wanted.
 
He said, ‘Coffee is all Miss’ because that was all they could afford. (If they wanted to sit in the restaurant and warm up, they had to buy something. He just wanted to be warm).
 
Then I really felt it – the compulsion was so great I almost reached out and embraced the little man with the blue eyes.
 
That is when I noticed all eyes in the restaurant were set on me, judging my every action.
 
I smiled and asked the young lady behind the counter to give me two more breakfast meals on a separate tray.
 
I then walked around the corner to the table that the men had chosen as a resting spot. I put the tray on the table and laid my hand on the blue-eyed gentleman’s cold hand.
 
He looked up at me, with tears in his eyes, and said, ‘Thank you.’
 
I leaned over, began to pat his hand and said, ‘I did not do this for you. God is here working through me to give you hope.’
 
I started to cry as I walked away to join my husband and son. When I sat down my husband smiled at me and said, ‘That is why God gave you to me, Honey, to give me hope.’
 
We held hands for a moment and at that time, we knew that only because of the Grace that we had been given were we able to give.
 
We are not church goers, but we are believers.
 
That day showed me the pure Light of God’s sweet love.
 
I returned to college, on the last evening of class, with this story in hand.
 
I turned in ‘my project’ and the instructor read it.
 
Then she looked up at me and said, ‘Can I share this?’
 
I slowly nodded as she got the attention of the class.
 
She began to read and that is when I knew that we as human beings and being part of God share this need to heal people and to be healed.
 
In my own way I had touched the people at McDonald’s, my son, instructor, and every soul that shared the classroom on the last night I spent as a college student.
 
I graduated with one of the biggest lessons I would ever learn:
UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE.
 
Much love and compassion is sent to each and every person who may read this and learn how to
 
LOVE PEOPLE AND USE THINGS – NOT LOVE THINGS AND USE PEOPLE.
 
There is an Angel sent to watch over you.

Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.
 
To handle yourself, use your head.
To handle others, use your heart.
God Gives every bird it’s food, but He does not throw it into its nest.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
With a secret inside that has never been told.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*
The treasure inside is precious to me.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Today I share this treasure with thee.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It’s the treasure of friendship you’ve given me.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

No, I don’t mean to just write about dreams or how my nights went (last night was wonderful! I slept almost straight through, although I did miss the Remembrance Day service. I know I needed that sleep!), but it’s what’s foremost on my mind at the times of these writings.

Last night I dreamt again, but, oh, so much different! This one I feel free to talk about. I was in a room that looked like a church sanctuary. I was there with a friend and a little girl who was about a year old or so. She was so cute! I don’t recognise the friend, but we were friends in the dream, and I think the little girl was hers. We sat together, and the little girl cuddled up with me. Then my friend was gone, and the other women who had been around us were still there, chatting. I think we were waiting for a service to begin, but I’m not sure about that. The focus was mine, & I kept looking at the little blonde girl. I was caring for her, and she kept trying to take off. However, she would always come back to me, ending up snuggling against me & falling asleep. So sweet!

Earlier in the night – I know it was earlier because it was during my sleep after I went back to sleep after waking up at 5:30 am. I wasn’t getting up early today except for the most urgent of reasons! Anyway! Earlier in the night, I had another dream. There was more to it than what I’m about to share, but I don’t remember anything else clearly. I was with some people, including my dad, were standing close to some railway tracks, but not close enough to be in danger. The tracks were up a bit higher than us, and they were on a straight stretch. Suddenly a crossing gate appeared, although there was no road; just a green grassy picnic area, complete with tables, and a river on the other side of us. The lights started flashing and the bells started ringing, and the gates went down. We saw a slow moving pair of dirty white diesel engines go by, and at a fair speed. Not super fast, but not super slow. Then another diesel engine – this one dark red – went by much faster, pulling several cars of varying kinds, and it was going much faster. We got the sense that it was trying to beat the two white engines, and we thought it looked like some kind of train race. It was very strange!

So those are my dreams from last night, and I see nothing nefarious in either of them. Praise God!

I think the one that happened earlier was because of my living close to the tracks and the fact that I’m aware of the trains going by. I love trains! Sometimes at work, if we’re really slow, I’ll stand & watch them go by. Some are really fast, and some are not.

The other one – maybe because I was offered a cat if my landlady & her husband say it’s OK for me to have him. I have a caring nature & love animals. I’ve not always been huge on cats, but I would never harm them. I do like them, and this cat in particular is sweet. I fell in love with him last night! I hope they say yes!

My dreams by nature are always strange. I’ve never had dreams that are even close to normal, but then what’s normal when it comes right down to it? I’ve taken many of them & turned them into really great stories. God’s spoken to me through dreams sometimes as well, and I’ve had questions about His will for me answered for me through some of my dreams. Amazing things!

This day is ending well. Much better than it started! So much of a difference that it hardly seems to be the same one that I started over 15.5 hours ago. Yes, you read that right! It’s almost 22:10 (or 10:10 pm for those of you who don’t know the 24-hour clock), & I’ve been awake since about 4:30 or so. Not when I wanted to wake up!

I went to bed between 22:15 & 22:30 last night, and I was hoping to sleep right ’til 5:00. However, that was NOT to be. Instead, I kept waking up. After every dream, I’m sure! At least after the dreams I remember, & I don’t want to remember a single one of them.

OK, yeah. For those of you who already know something of my dream life, you might be asking what the big deal is about weird dreams for me since mine are almost always weird. I don’t blame you for wondering. I’d wonder, too, if last night’s dream fest hadn’t been one full of horror and of terror to some degree. Yikes! The worst one took place at work, and, as with the others, it’s too horrible and graphic and gross for me to describe. Besides, I just want to forget them. ALL of them! Each time I’d wake up and pray for the memory to be gone. They’re still here for now, but I know they’re not real. I know that what happened can’t hurt me. God keeps me safe. If I let the dreams consume my mind and let the fears grow, then I’ll be in harm’s way, and I’ve removed God from the control. I don’t want the devil to have control, and so I refuse to let the dreams consume me.

My dream life is so very exciting and full of imagination. In many of them I’m either fleeing danger or I’m fighting the government, which has gone corrupt, or I’m fighting some other kind of evil. In others, I’m in some sort of competition, or I’m fighting off the advances of an unwanted would be suitor. Or I’m living out something I long for, like marriage and motherhood, or some career that I wouldn’t mind having.

The weirdest dream for me was bizarre because of its total mundanity (I think I just coined another word! One I coined & love is “mocknefarious.” You can figure it out by its two parts – mock & nefarious). I was walking down the road. That was it! There was nothing special about the road, and I wasn’t really heading anywhere in particular. I was just walking, and the road was a road.

This morning, I ended up getting up at 6:05, which is about 5 minutes after I usually arrive at work. That’s 1/2 hour after I’m scheduled, but I go early to do a few things that can sit for a while before I really start for the day. It’s the one chance I get to sit & read the paper, and to just relax before things get started. Anyway, I didn’t get there ’til about 20 after 6, and I felt incredibly rushed. I decided to leave some tasks aside for the time being, & just focus on the bare essentials of opening up. That was I wasn’t stressed, and I didn’t feel as if I was rushing myself. I just felt really out of it! Now the day’s over, and I feel glad that I can look back. I’m thankful last night is over, and I’m, oh, so, so, so, SO thankful that I can sleep in tomorrow!

Tomorrow’s Remembrance Day, and I’m glad to be able to sleep in! Most important, though, for tomorrow – remembering those who fought hard to keep Canada a free land. Many lost their lives in order to make sure the Dominion of Canada did NOT fall into enemy hands. I am so grateful for that!

Now that I’ve pitched about that….

My dreams, for the most part, have always been vivid and imaginative. There’s been some great fodder for stories there, and I’ve never been at a loss for daydreams as I take dreams I’ve had and built on them, or changed them, or what have you, and this has helped me to get past some dreams. Because of my imagination, some have been a little too real for my liking, and many of those I manage to wipe from my mind. I know that God keeps me safe. If I trust in Him and rest in Him, my dream life is good. Still very vivid and imaginative, and all, but not terrifying nor horrible.

Part of the reason, I think, that my dreams were so awful last night was that I was so bagged I just crashed without really praying. Also, I’m trying to get caffeine out of my system, & I know that I’m going through withdrawal of sorts. When that happens, my dreams are weirder than normal. The horror and terror tends to creep in more as well, and so I’ve realised today that I really, really, REALLY need to be covered with the blood of Jesus and ask for the armour of God to be over me. The guard of angels and hedge of thorns – I need that! Not just at night, though, but at all times. Sometimes, though, it just seems more important. However, it’s when my guard’s let down that I’m most vulnerable. So, Michelle, don’t let down your guard!!!!

What’s your most interesting dream? I’d love to read about it. It doesn’t have to be your most interesting, but just one that you like to share. I’ve had a couple that have stuck with me since I’ve had them – the two most vivid dreams I’ve ever had! One was an allegory for the straight and narrow road to Heaven, and the other was a call to prayer for my brother. I may share them at some point, if I remember, but not now. I’m really dopey, and am going to sleep soon. Prayers & blessings all!